An Identity Crisis During Pregnancy - What You Can Do
Becoming pregnant for the first time can bring up many questions: what will it be like, will I connect with my baby, how will I manage sleep deprivation? This time of your life can also create identity confusion or even crises as you gear up to become a parent. You might be asking yourself if you will lose parts of yourself as your priorities change. Perhaps you’re nervous about what kind of parent you will be, which is eliciting thoughts around how you were raised. Often, first time pregnant people take a microscope to the gender norms or family structures they have grown up with or maintained in their relationship. Others worry about taking parental leave and not knowing what that will mean for your professional status at work. Pregnancy can be particularly different for LGBTQ+ parents-to-be, who may experience more outside questions or barriers to their authentic experiences. Thinking about these questions during pregnancy can open up a helpful dialogue, and may help to manage fears around the postpartum period.
Why does pregnancy bring up identity issues?
Pregnancy sets off a series of physical, biological, and emotional changes internally. Pregnant people are coping with how their bodies are changing, and then they’re spending almost a year anticipating one of the biggest changes in their personal lives and family structure that they may have ever experienced. In a lot of ways, it’s like adolescence all over again. Hormonal shifts that trigger a cascade of other changes, ultimately boiling down to “who am I?” Except this time, we often have a pretty clear picture of who we are, unlike when we were twelve years old and truly had no idea. And the idea that our lives are about to change in a seismic way can feel even more destabilizing.
So the first step is remembering that your feelings are totally normal. By recognizing those feelings during your pregnancy, you can spend some time reflecting on how you want to show up for yourself and in the world before your baby arrives.
What to do when you’re anxious about your identity during pregnancy
Reflect on where your ideas about being a parent come from. When we are able to place our feelings and philosophies within the larger story of our community, we can better understand what we want to take forward and what we want to try to shift. How did your parents parent you? What do you admire about your family and friends and the way they approach their own identities? How have colleagues at work managed parental leave and nourishing their professional identities, or how have they stepped back in a way that felt good to them.
Identify the different parts that make up your identity. These are the parts of yourself that bring the most joy, the most lightness, and feel like they truly represent who you are in this moment. Maybe that is being in strong relationships with friends, reading fiction, running outside, participating in activism that is important to you, or some part of your professional life. When you can fully understand what makes you feel most like yourself now, at this moment, you can have a greater perspective on what you want to carry with you into this unique phase of early parenthood.
Clarify the parts of your identity that you most want to try to maintain. Now, zoom in on the few pieces that feel the most accessible and important to you to be in touch with in the postpartum period, knowing that more parts of yourself might be open to you as time goes on.
Move towards acceptance around what will change. Your identity will shift, in ways that may be sad and ways that will be absolutely joyous. Both of those feelings can exist at the same time, and often will. Strive to find a place of acceptance around where your identity may evolve, and know that you’re not alone.
Talk to your partner or support system about what will be important to you. If you proactively talk to your partner during pregnancy about your concerns and worries, you’re more likely to be able to work together to create space for your own individual identities. Share that it is important that you try to have one hour a week to read a book or go on a run, or to see a friend or go to a meeting that is important to you. Ask them what you can do to support their own individual needs and pursuits as well.
Write down somewhere what you want to prioritize. While you’re pregnant, journal about what you want to try to sustain, starting with lower-lift steps like a walk with a friend or listening to your favorite music while doing chores around the house. Put your hopes into writing so that you’re more likely to achieve them.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself. Especially in the months immediately postpartum, if all you do is feed your baby, sleep and get through the week, then you’re doing great. Start with small ways to keep in touch with these other identity parts. Know that you’ll have more opportunities as you adjust to parenthood to evaluate how you’re feeling and what you need to implement to feel more like yourself.
Therapy for pregnancy can help you to explore your identity
You don’t have to sit with these worries on your own. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by what is to come during your pregnancy and what will change, therapy can be very effective in addressing those concerns. In therapy for pregnancy, you and your therapist can work together to sketch out what you’d like for your life, build awareness around what makes you feel most like yourself, how to manage expectations about what may or may not be possible, and to build a support system that you can return to when you are in a state of higher anxiety in the postpartum period.
Check out the provider directory of Postpartum Support International, Psychology Today or Therapy Den to find a therapist in your community.
Amanda Borson is a therapist who specializes in anxiety around perinatal mental health, pregnancy loss and infertility, and intercultural relationships. She is particularly passionate about how our relationships affect our mental health, which can be heightened during pregnancy and the perinatal period. If you are a resident of New York or Pennsylvania and are looking for online therapy during pregnancy, get in touch to book a free consultation.
Disclaimer: This blog post is not a substitute for therapy or other mental health treatment, and is intended for educational purposes only. Advice or recommendations outlined in this blog post may not be suitable for all.