Anxious in Your Relationship? 5 Ways to Reduce Relationship Anxiety
Being in love is a wonderful feeling. You are discovering a new partner who makes you feel seen, who excites you, and who you can see building a strong relationship together. But when you have relationship anxiety, the surprises and discoveries of a growing bond can feel scary instead of exciting.
What is Relationship Anxiety?
Relationship anxiety occurs when you feel insecure in your relationship. This may manifest as self-doubting thoughts about how your partner feels about you, a feeling of constant concern about the long term viability of the relationship, excessive stress about traditional markers of “big” events like meeting family or friends or moving in together; re-reading texts or “over-thinking” what your partner says in a way that makes you feel worse. For folks in intercultural relationships, there may be fears about feeling accepted by their partner’s family or how to blend two cultures in a thoughtful way.
Relationship anxiety can get in our own way when our level of anxiety is so high that we might be “self-sabotaging,” such as creating distance or trying to get closer to your partner in an overwhelming way that is based out of fear rather than genuine connection.
It can be tough to figure out if those feelings are valid or not when we are having intense relationship anxiety. In order to see your relationship more clearly, you might need to experiment with ways to reduce your overall level of distress - like “clearing the fog” so you can see the picture as it really is.
An exception to the above is when a relationship that is making you feel anxious is also emotionally, psychologically or physically abusive. If you are in or think you might be in an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for support.
Reasons You Might Be Anxious in Your Relationship
There are often many reasons that create anxiety in a relationship, and these reasons might make you more vulnerable to become even more anxious over time. By identifying the root causes of your anxiety, you can start to unpack what is going on for you and begin to find relief from your worries.
You might have a history of past relationships that have made you anxious. Whether it is with family or an ex-partner, it’s possible that you have felt insecure in previous relationships. Often when that anxiety occurs in formative years, like in childhood with a primary caregiver, you can create an internal core belief about yourself that you “need to do x, y or z” to get attention and care from a loved one. Or, you may have gotten your heart broken in a way that totally caught you off guard, and now you feel like you need to be on the “look-out” for signs that you might get blindsided again.
Your partner has a different attachment or communication style. We are often drawn to our partners because they are different from us - they see the world in a different way, or they complement our own idiosyncrasies. Sometimes those distinctions – like how much alone time they need, when they feel comfortable saying “I love you,” or the frequency of how much they like to be in communication throughout the day – can feel threatening to our sense of security in the relationship.
You have cultural differences with your partner that sometimes creates conflict or a lack of familiarity. In intercultural relationships, partners need to explore and blend their cultures in a way that often is a totally new blueprint for how to build a relationship than what either partner saw in their families of origin. This can create a sense of intentional co-creating that can be incredibly meaningful, but might also spark anxiety if partners are not able to communicate about cultural norms, their family expectations or their own fears.
You’re moving from the “merger” phase of your relationship to the “start-up” phase. Early on, it’s easier to keep a relationship in the dreamy world where it is just the two of you. As a relationship strengthens and grows, you both start to explore how to merge your worlds together - meeting friends, integrating families, moving in together, possibly marriage or starting a family. These experiences might make you more anxious as the “real world” begins to interject into the honeymoon period of your relationship.
5 Ways to Reduce Relationship Anxiety
By reducing your overall level of relationship anxiety, you can gain more perspective on the relationship and feel more calm and joy as a result. Here are some ways that may be helpful in lowering your sense of insecurity.
Reflect on past relationships and notice any patterns that are repeating. When we have experienced instability or insecurity in past relationships, we sometimes inadvertently create strategies to help cope by getting anxious and trying to “scan the horizon” for threats to your security in the relationship. Often, it is this relationship history that is at play when we feel those same emotions in our current relationships. Noticing those patterns can help us zoom out from the day to day worries we have and gain clarity around what is actually happening for us internally.
“Check that Facts” - identify whether there is evidence to support your anxious thoughts. Try to be as objective as possible. This is a skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that encourages you to assess whether the emotions you’re feeling about a situation fit the facts of what is going on. If the emotion is proportional to the situation, then you assess how to best handle it without making the situation worse. If they don’t fit the facts, then you focus on how to self-soothe and reduce the level of emotion until it passes.
Build on what works for you to tolerate the highest level of your anxiety and to regulate yourself. Reflect on what usually helps you regulate when you’re anxious in other situations. Perhaps it’s exercise, laying down, listening to music or watching your favorite tv show, talking to a friend, deep breathing, or taking a cold shower. It is very difficult to skillfully address your partner when your level of anxiety is through the roof. If you can reduce your anxiety even by 10%, you’ll probably get yourself out of the zone where you might self-sabotage or react in a way that doesn’t help you reach your ultimate goal - to gain clarity and hopefully feel closer to your partner.
After you objectively check the facts and have regulated your emotional state, identify what needs you have that you feel aren’t being met, and see if they can be met by people across your support system. Once we’re more regulated, we can hopefully have a better view of what reactions were our nervous system initiating fight or flight based on past relationship history or experiences, and what concerns are really relevant to the here and now. Think through what needs you have that you feel like aren’t being met. Maybe you are generally feeling lonely or isolated socially – with your partner but perhaps in general as well. It might help to spend more time with friends. Not only might this address your emotional need, at least partially, but it might improve your feeling of independence and groundedness in your relationship as well.
Communicate with your partner about needs that you feel they might be able to meet. It can be helpful to use this time to also see if they also want to share about their own needs. Ask your partner to talk outside the context of an argument. Then, you might share how you’ve been feeling and a need that you may have that could be met by your partner while acknowledging and validating their experience. For instance, “I’ve been really missing spending time together during the week. I know work has been so stressful for you right now; could we plan on just one day during the week where we have dinner together?” Then, you might ask them what you can do to show up as a better partner in the relationship, whether around this issue or something else.
Therapy Can Help Reduce Your Relationship Anxiety
Relationship anxiety can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re trying to figure out how to talk to your partner about your feelings. Therapy can provide space to explore those past patterns that may be getting in your way, as well as to learn concrete strategies to manage your anxiety and work through issues effectively with your partner.
If you’re located in NY or PA, schedule a free consultation call to learn more about therapy for relationship anxiety.
For providers outside of NY and PA, check out Psychology Today or Therapy Den to find a therapist in your community.
Disclaimer: This blog post is not a substitute for therapy or other mental health treatment, and is intended for educational purposes only. Advice or recommendations outlined in this blog post may not be suitable for all.